Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
what
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.