Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd