ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Feels like there should be a middle ground
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
first you must answer his riddles
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us