Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
You Might Also Like
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
i meant to share this earlier
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money