[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.