Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“Why you watching this shit?”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever