Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
No way!
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.