@alanritchson: Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding
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@primawesome: Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
@jakob_huber: "What's your name?" "I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo's riders-" *Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things me *walks out of the bathroom* wife: Did you wash your hands? me *goes back in the bathroom*