@alanritchson: Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding
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@HiddleDeeDee: The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
@ArfMeasures: [Me as a doctor] ME: I can't find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking PATIENT: Ok I'll come back when you've sobered up
@thenatewolf: *showing mom how to use her phone* What's the blue button with the bird? THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
@Marlebean: Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob.