@alanritchson: Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding
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@usermcuserface: Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.
@KyleMcDowell86: [on date] *okay don't let her know you're a T-Rex* Her: Can you pass the salt please? Me: Crap...