@alanritchson: Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding
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@ArfMeasures: [Looking at plans for building Rome] ME: How long will it take u? BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most ME: Are u sure?! B: Yeah easy, trust me
@jackiembouvier: Friend: Don't you recycle? Me: I do what I can. F: What about the seals? M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
@kumailn: Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."
@imdaintyaf: I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.