Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: