Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You Might Also Like
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
😏😏😏
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me