Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You Might Also Like
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf