Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]