Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?