This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*launders Kohls cash*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
This is me 🤣🤣
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Awwwww shit.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*lint rolls you awake*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.