My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Lol
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
79.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.