Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You Might Also Like
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Have kids, they said
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
How animals would run if they were human
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.