@Cpin42: Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
@gorrdano: When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
@_youhadonejob: The fourth largest religion.
@MattRundle: '50 Shades of Grey' taught me how to please a woman. It's by writing a shitty book.
@bfrosty04: Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...
@iwearaonesie: wife's facebook post: so proud of 8, he's trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife's text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink