Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Boom, boom, ching!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
ugh not again
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying