Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Rather alarming headline…
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?