Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Barbie gone wild
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Saturday
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”