zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
work smarter, not harder
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.