a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Oh, I bet you would be
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Rather alarming headline…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.