ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!