[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house