@SortaBad: Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary
@GriffonTaylonYo: Barista: Can I get a name?
Barista: I've got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
@david8hughes: [in church]
"And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins."
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@KrangTNelson: PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
@Home_Halfway: 1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream "WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????"
@boring_as_heck: SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can't wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy