@SortaBad: Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary
@Tommytoughstuff: [job interview]
"So what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
"I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
@AnitaAlibi: My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
@shkeeber: My job blocked the Favstar website and I'm not sure if I should quit or take hostages.
Haha! Jk. I'm totally taking hostages.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
@dshack8: Taught a parrot to repeatedly say "WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?" and now I don't have to talk to my kids until Spring so that's pretty cool.