@SortaBad: Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary
@TheDreamGhoul: DATE: you smell so nice - what are you wearing?
@thepunningman: Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
@Contwixt: You're only as smart as the dumbest thing you've ever said on the Internet.
@noduffers: If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
@Reverend_Scott: [at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn't...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y