Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Good advice.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”