@SortaBad: Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary
@TheRealRHB: Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor's cat....she's out there rubbing up against it now
@Muath_tu: Apparently you can't get a sick leave just because you're sick of seeing everyone at the office.
@mikeleffingwell: My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
@fro_vo: Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*