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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Knock Knock
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.