Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them