Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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This makes total sense…
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Who.
Did.
This?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..