[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
You Might Also Like
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Bringing home a sharpie
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.