@JohnLyonTweets: Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick: Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
@TheTimeIGotHigh: "A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana... i said, i smell bacon... yeah i was that high lol"
@TEXASVETERAN: If I get married, I'd take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I'd return to pick her up. Maybe.
@AimeeHelene1: Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.