Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
opening twitter today
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.