Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.