Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.