ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.