ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Stonehinge
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
remember
only for emergencies
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE