@johnbiehl: Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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@AndyAsAdjective: Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he's been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
@NotKarma: Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
@onion_an: Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk