who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
goldfish mafia
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.