“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Beware…..
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
They’re stuck in your pants?