Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man