Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.