Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS