Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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Was it something I said?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]