*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick