*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Wake me when AI does housework
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house