*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!