*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.