@fillthevacuum: *adds resume embellisher to resume*
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@tangledteatime: Him: Your jokes just aren't relatable to most people. Me: *angrily binges on caviar*
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"