*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.