ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway