– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I didn’t come here to be called names
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.