– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Breaking news:
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.