I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
🤣😂🤣
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.