Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
first you must answer his riddles
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again