Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”