@Blue_Crab: ADHD is ADD in high definition.
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@jonnysun: [god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok… GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me
@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@Rollinintheseat: Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,"I'm in this now."