Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My life in a nutshell
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.